When The Hills Are Alive With Celibate Cries: Embracing Masturbation For Females

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There has been many conversations that I have either overheard or been involved with that have denounced the existence of female pleasure. I have heard lines like: “Well if a lad is bored, he can just wank; what do girls do in their spare time?”. The myth of the female orgasm seems to have gone on far too long for my liking and I am sick and tired of the act of masturbation being purely about a boy cumming. And I know I’m not alone on this.

The feeling of being sexually unsatisfied is one that is all too familiar to me.  Whether that once off thing didn’t quite get you off or you’re having a dry spell, it’s not particularly nice at all. At the end of the day, you can always come home and practise self-love. You know exactly what you want, you are in control of all movements and you can enjoy whatever stimulus that helps you get off without your partner’s judgement.

Just like sex, however, safe masturbation does need to be enforced. One barely learns about contraception and safe sex in the Irish education system, let alone a mention of masturbation.

And as women, we are made feel guilty for having sex. There is always that pang of doubt that sets in with one million questions racing through your mind: “Was it too soon?”, “Will everyone talk about the fact I went home with him/her?”. This onslaught seems to be common with every girl; but why should it be that way?

  1. Invest in some toys; because you’re worth it: No offence to any of the men I know, but sometimes penetration just isn’t enough. In fact, only 7% of women can orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. Everyone deserves to climax, not just the boys. So if your significant other doesn’t go down on you to your liking or you’re a single babe, check out Lovehoney for cheap, high quality vibrators! Shipping is fast, free over £10 (it is so easy to over-indulge) and their products come is unmarked, discreet packages; should you feel a bit embarrassed about the whole thing.
  2. Please wash your sex toys (correctly!): I know this is total common sense, but it is easy to dismiss cleaning! Making sure your toys are clean is imperative, especially if you decide to involve them in sex with your partner(s). Be sensible; not everyone wants your body fluids on/in them. Babeland have an amazingly thorough guide on how to clean each specific material (x).
  3. Clean up any excess lubricant: Remember, many toys are electric and although lubricant is safe on them, it is still a liquid. Plus lube is gross and disgusting when it’s in places it shouldn’t be.
  4. Remove batteries from your vibrator for longer lasting life: I never knew about this tip and believe me; it’s no fun at all when you’re enjoying yourself and suddenly everything dies on you. If you plan on masturbating only a couple of times a week, take out the batteries and let your buzz take a breather. It’s also nice to go back to your roots once in a while.
  5. Do not be afraid to try something new: Make of this what you will.

Because at the end of the day, in the words of our lady and saviour RuPaul:

“If you can’t love yourself; how in the hell you gon’ love anybody else?!”

In honour of National Orgasm Day, I’d like to make some recommendations so that every babe will have the best day. Treat yourself to a bullet vibrator or a wand. You can get them in Anne Summers, but I prefer the following brands:

  • Smoothie vibrator for all your internal and external needs.  Loads of fun.
  • Bullet vibrator, because it looks cute and small and it’s very powerful.
  • My all time favourite magic wand. It is truly magical and if you try it, you’ll never go back. It’s aesthetically pleasing too.
  • Top it all off with some lubricant and you’ll have a banging day.

I will leave you all with one final question: Is masturbation the most sincere form of flattery?

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After the Hibernation

I do not know whether to apologise for my absence or not; this blog was never created to entertain others. I suppose I can only apologise to those who always believed that my writing was something of worth, and not just word vomit.

It has been a long six months of severe creative drain, and all I had wanted to write about was frustration and sadness (which was all I had the capacity to feel). I believe that my experience over the past few months has definitely changed me; for better or for worse, you decide. I have learned a lot about myself, about people, about politics. And I intend to start writing about them immediately.

This is not a post to be bursting with excuses; I had time to write and I chose not to. It was out of fear that I had run my course and that I could not inspire anyone anymore. How could I do that if I could not inspire myself?

After weeks of terrible independent films and drinking instant coffee like water, I feel like I might have come full circle. I do not feel much better, but I certainly do not feel worse. I feel like I am ready to take the plunge all over again and spark some discussions along the way.

You can expect posts about being an intern, gendered aspects of language and a whole lot of other ramblings dedicated to guilt, masturbation and poetry.

I hope you will stick around to read them all.