If you know me personally, you will know how bleak and pessimistic and miserable I am all the time. I’ve had a very tough few years for various reasons: deaths, family arguments, breakups, falling out with people, being bullied. I could go on forever. And there has been many times where I literally felt like it was the end. There have been so many times that I have given up. There have been so many moments where I’ve wanted to run away and never come back. But I’m still here and it’s because of the little things.
I have to thank my friends for making everything so special for me. Liz has been there for me for fifteen years. We’ve been through hell together but we always have each other’s backs. I always have the most wonderful time with Ashleigh. Even though we act like fools for much of the time, she is always there to be the voice of reason when I completely screw up. And the three of us have such a strong connection that I could never imagine breaking. And it’s these two girls that have kept me so level-headed for so long. You must always appreciate those close to you, who will stick up for you no matter what.
Because love is when you’re beyond willing to put up with someone’s bullshit and feeling that is extraordinary. And people often take feeling loved for granted. I know that I do a lot of the time. But life is too short and we shouldn’t waste our lives without love. No matter how terrible you are, someone is always going to care about you. If they are 3000 miles away or right next door, there is always going to be one person who will be there.
Loved ones are the source of the little things. Whether it’s a text that says “You’re so cool” or surprising me with a visit; these things make my day. People often ignore these small gestures and regard them as nothing. But remembering a time when someone reached out to you in a subtle way could be the light to bring you back from darkness.
I’ve been in very disturbing places over the course of the past year. It’s been distressing and turbulent. And it was hard to have one of my closest friends so far away at the times when I needed her the most. But I pulled through it all because of the gestures of the many friends that I have made. I am not a people person but those who I am friends with have changed my life for the better. Their strength, their talent, their willpower and their wisdom inspire me every day. So thank you for keeping me here.
Over the past two months, I have found myself benefiting more and more from these little things. I’ve finished a screenplay and my friends were so enthusiastic about taking part that it will actually be filmed. And although filming SISU is not their main priority, they have made a dream come true for me. And I will never forget that.
The support that I have received from everyone as a result of this blog has been phenomenal. I never could have pictured in my wildest dreams that people would commend me for my writing outside of academia. And it may just be someone saying “well done” or liking a post, but to someone like me, that means the whole world.
I’ve been trying really hard to stop faking smiles and enjoy life a little bit more. The little things have made it possible for me to get here. After much reflection on my emotional state over the past three years, I’ve realised that I am becoming stronger. Despite my usual ice queen facade, I’m actually a really emotional person and people don’t usually see the other side of me.
But with the constant support of people over time, I’ve learned to be able to open up more. I’ve learned to trust. I’ve learned to accept all my faults. If you said to me two years ago that I would be able to look in the mirror and not cry, I would have laughed in your face. Two years ago, I didn’t want to be here. But I’m still here now. I’m the weakest person I know but I’ve still found a reason to smile.
Take some time to appreciate the little things. Do something you love. Share it with the world. Don’t give a fuck about what other people think. I’ve wasted too much of my time being upset and wallowing in my own self pity. Time is fleeting so fast that you never know who or what could pass you by. Get inspired. Carpe diem.